Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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