I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
