I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
