At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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