I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
