Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just invented taco cereal.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
