I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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