ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
