Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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