i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
