every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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