He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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