I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
