You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
PANTIES FOUND
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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