He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Four minutes until I can fart!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
