sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
