Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
