Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
