someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
