if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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