I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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