I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
