it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
