i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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