i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
