It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
