you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
