so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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