i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
