Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
