Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
