Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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