Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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