Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
why do cheetos always look like penises
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
