Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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