I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
