Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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