one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
