Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
