Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
