ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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