During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Couch. On fire.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
