I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize
