I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
