Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
