I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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