Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
