Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
