I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I touched a dick in church today
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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