I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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