The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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