I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
