Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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