god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
