just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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