Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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