also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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